I don’t know how to tell you all this, but I masturbate. It’s true.
If you haven’t heard about the time, my kids found my vibrator, I am most certain you are missing out.
The Link is here: Mom’s Toy Isn’t For Playing With.
As a Mom, I don’t get a lot of time to myself, so when the opportunity arises, I do my best to satisfy my libidinous appetite.
You got it I like sex, and I often love having it by myself. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the two-people-sex, a really big fan. It just isn’t always that simple. Even when in a relationship, we all get busy, tired, lazy. Whatever the case may be, if I am in the mood for some downtown time, I simply have to find a way to get myself to where I need to go.
I’m also an equal opportunist. If my man so happens to be in the mood to argue with Henry Longfellow so be beat it. Who am I to judge. All I ask for in return, is that he makes some time to play peek-a-boo with his vein cane in my flesh pipe on the regular.
Be that as it may, I condone exploring the cave of infinite wisdom from time to time.
Quick PSA, if you choose to do so, I suggest you don’t get caught.
It happened quite a few years back, shortly after my divorce.
I had moved into a townhouse. You know the type, a suburban fishbowl. My neighbor’s front door actually connected to the same door frame as mine. Luckily the back of the house sat on a green space that allotted for some privacy in the evenings. Not a ton of privacy, but some. Something I hadn’t become accustomed to moving from a large house that sat on almost 2 acres. My old place didn’t even have blinds on the windows; there was no need.
In the few years, I had lived there my family had become friendly with an adorable retired Croatian couple a few doors down. When my kids would play in the backyard, they would often come by and offer us a beer, sausage or some type of meat she had spent cooking on the barbecue all day. Oh yes and give the kids Croatian candy.
Victor (we will call him) was your ordinary folk from the old country. He was a hard worker who had a love for pretty girls and dirty jokes. He found it humorous to try to embarrass me while talking with my boyfriend. I always played along as if I hadn’t heard a dirty joke before.
One particularly beautiful summer night, my kids on their weekly rotation at their Dad’s house and my boyfriend out at a ballgame, I found myself a little itchy in the pants if you will.
Presently arriving home from a ball game myself I hadn’t bothered to change out of my long sox and shorts, let alone take my hair out of pigtails. Sound cliché? It is. But exactly what I dress in for ball games. Thus making the big reveal, that much better.
I poured myself a glass of wine and grabbed my laptop. Purposefully placing myself on the couch at the back of the house (you know where we had all that privacy.) I started to peruse my favorite porn site.
Yes, I watch porn, probably more than a lot of men out there. Meh, maybe not more but I have most definitely seen my fair share.
Once I found my preferred adult entertainment, I got into position. Nearly half way through the clip and as I headed towards pleasure street. Al-mo-st. Th-ere. My doorbell rang. Shit! I wasn’t going to stop this was too good; I Just. Need. One. More. Minute. (A thought that has crossed my mind all too often during the two-person sex.) The doorbell rang again. I assumed it to be the front door; NO ONE ever rang the back door. So I pumped on.
That is when I heard a tap on the glass window right beside me. The huge picture window! My heart stopped, as did my drive towards pleasure town. While I slowly looked up, I saw poor Victor, red in the face (but not without a smile) standing there peering through the windowpane.
HOLY FUCK! I jumped up shooting to pull up my shorts. Thought for a moment about running and hiding in my bedroom, but noticed a sense of urgency on his face. Nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for having to speak with your neighbor after he has seen you playing with your bits.
As I opened the back door looking like I had dressed myself in a schoolgirl outfit for my own personal satisfaction, Victor stood looking at me in a way he had never. Stammering to get his words and pointing toward the couch he had just watched me molest. He finally blurted out “Umm, your jeep is getting towed.” I smiled sheepishly and thanked him as I ran out front to stop the towing company from taking my jeep.
Needless to say for the rest of summer I avoided the back yard and Victor as much as I possibly could. It was tough, but I have learned I can bolt back in a door faster than a kid can put candy in its mouth before being told he can’t have it.
As for Victor, all I can say is, it’s not every day you get a freebie.
You’re Welcome.
Masturbation for women should not be so taboo, we have all from time to time rummaged in the root cellar. Why not embrace it? Although my suggestion for you, would be to make sure you close your blinds, or you too will find yourself telling a story similar to mine.
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